What You Can Do to CONQUER Pre-Wedding Stress
by Julia Kantor, MFT
Published in "Brideworld", Spring 2004

Along with joy and excitement, the wedding planning process often stirs up feelings of loss and uncertainty for all involved, even if you’ve been living on your own for some time.  These feelings may especially manifest themselves in conflicts with parents over seemingly unrelated details.  Do you find yourself in a power struggle with your mom about the color of the napkins?  Is your dad putting his foot down over who gets to sit near the head table?  Do you find the arguments significantly impacting your relationship with your fiancé?  It may feel so overwhelming that you’ve seriously considered eloping.  But don’t despair!  With a few important tools, you can successfully navigate this rite of passage.

Understand what’s going on under the surface

There are two major life transitions going on.  You and your fiancé are each officially shifting your loyalty from parents to each other.  You are also letting go of your identities as single people, moving from “me” to “we.”   No wonder it’s so stressful.  It is often easier for all involved to focus on the color of the napkins or the seating arrangements than it is to face the feelings of sadness and anxiety below the surface.  It can be especially confusing and difficult when you’re operating under the myth that you are  “supposed” to be constantly happy during this time.  Remember that all your emotions are natural and normal.  You, your fiancé, and your families are moving through a profound rite of passage.

Use the opportunity to learn more about each other 

The wedding day is your first public appearance as an official new family.  The time leading up to the big day is an opportunity for you to clarify what is most meaningful to you as individuals and as a couple.  Your fiancé may not care about the color scheme or the flower choices, but he most likely has an idea of what is important to him.  Ask him what those things might be.  Most importantly, ask each other what the preferences and choices mean to each of you.   In this process you can deepen your intimacy (especially when the wedding dramas can make your feel more distant from each other).  Clarifying the emotional investment in your decisions provides an opportunity to exercise your communication and negotiation skills, which will serve you far beyond the wedding day. 

Step into your parents’ shoes

As your parents prepare to lose you on some level, to redefine their relationship with you, they face the unknown. What will your relationship with them look like once you’re married?  True, there will be significant changes.  However, you have an opportunity at this time to show your parents and yourselves that you can separate from them and still be connected.   Talk with them about your own feelings of loss.  Create ways to honor and include your families in meaningful ways in the wedding experience.  Share the meanings behind the different wedding day choices with them as well.  For example, tell them what a decision to hold the wedding outdoors represents to you (perhaps it’s a connection to fond childhood memories of family vacations).
In so doing, you’ll reassure your parents of your continued connectedness while still sending the message that you and your fiancé are a new family unit.  This will go a long way in easing the transition. 

Avoid the triangle trap

A wedding triangle frequently begins with what appears to be a conflict between two parties, say, you and your future mother-in-law, perhaps over an aspect of the ceremony.   In lieu of acknowledging her underlying anxiety about “losing” her son, she expresses her displeasure daily over the logistical issue to your fiancé.  This puts him in the middle and in turn triggers arguments between you and him.  The first step to dismantling the triangle is understanding the purpose it may serve for each of you, strange as that may sound.  Triangles distract from feelings.  The energy they demand keeps you from having to address the losses you’re facing as you let go of your single life and redefine your relationships with your families.  This brings you to the second step, clarifying your boundaries as a couple.  Whether you compromise on the particular issue at hand or not, it is crucial that you and your fiancé become a united front.   That means not allowing yourselves to become polarized by external pressures.  If you take the time now to set this precedent together, you will both be rewarded with a stronger foundation for years to come.

In conclusion, enjoy this time.  Savor it.  Beyond the multitude of details, the care you give to clarifying, negotiating, and redefining your relationships will not only make the process smoother, the wedding day more meaningful and beautiful, but in turn nourish your marriage for a lifetime to come. 

Julia P. Kantor is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Beverly Hills.  She specializes in wedding counseling.  For more information call (310) 289-4459.